Sleeping Ugly

By Ken Willard 

I have always wondered what dreams are made of, some substance or tangible matter, or perhaps just ethereal untouchable consciousness.

I think the real question that I ponder more than anything is, Do dreams come true?

Now I am not talking about the sleepy non lucid dreams that we have at night during our slumber, those we forget and only recall slightly when our remembrance is awoken by some phenomenon.

No I'm talking about our aspirations, our hopes, desires, our wayward unrealistic thoughts that provoke us to fantasy every once in a while, to give us a break from the harshness of reality.

My dream began back in high school,I was the ugly fat kid that liked to eat, play ball, and write romantic poetry.
Some of the more popular kids called me a dreamer, and I guess I was.

Most of my teenage poetry was inspired by the most beautiful girl in school, Laura penkiman.
She had the most beautiful long blond hair, little freckles and a smile like the sun shine.

My first romantic poem was about her, My "Ode to Laura"
It went something like this;
Her eyes shine like stars
super nova spiral galaxy
her hair like comets tails
she is my night sky
I hope my night sky
falls on me.
Her lips dance like moon beams
silver moon beams
shining through
touching me
and touching you
she is my night sky
I hope my night sky
falls in love with me.

I guess that was my first dream. Thats when I first began to wonder about that burning question, that everyone asks themselves at least once in their life, anyone who ever had a dream that is.
What are dreams made of?

It is funny how most dreams concern the future, some may graduate with a little perseverance into the present, But mine permeates deeply into the past.
Let me explain; In first reality, and I emphasize first, this will make more sense as I continue, but for now we shall call it first reality.

Laura was never interested in me, I was always outwitted and out smarted, by the good looking fashionable and slim popular boys.

I always fell for their tricks and mockery soon followed.
I attempted many diets sporting activity, and fitness training, but always remained fat.

Eventually I gave up on myself, I wouldn't ever have the courage, or should I say audacity to ask Laura out, If I ever did it would be like giving her the most awful insult ever.
I must admit she was never cruel to me, and she never laughed at the mockery, in fact once she told some girls to stop it when they were calling me lard ass.
I worshiped Laura from afar.

Most of the class knew how I felt, I was blatantly obvious, the way I would stare, or get tong tied when she came into the room.

My most fatal give away and the most off putting was that when I saw her I would sweat profusely.
Its a kind of blushing I suffered from, My face became so hot and red that my forehead would drip great drops of sweat.
I am sure with hind sight I am exaggerating my dilemma, but all the same, It felt like a great curse.

I remember how heart broken I was when Laura had a boyfriend, the tall slim hansom John beekman.
All the girls liked this popular guy, and it was inevitable that He would end up with Laura.

to be honest they were the perfect match, If I could of been anyone else that night, I would of been Him.
I saw them holding hands, and from the dark of the trees, I saw them embrace and kiss.

It wasn't a small peck on the cheek kiss, but a full blown mouth watering 40 second kiss.
I didn't understand, here is my wish coming true for another boy who hadn't even wished it.
My dream coming true for a boy who hadn't even bothered to dream it.

If this was a play, then his was the part I would of wanted to play.
I wanted to die.
Thats when I wrote my second romantic poem, or Tragedy.

I will sit here and die
lest your kiss come to save me
I will tell my heart to stop
and save me from this pain
this is hell here on earth
to see someone else beside you
let it be me
let it be me
lest I should die.
Do not disturb my tears
let them flow far away
let them turn into a river
this very day
and when the people see it flow
tell them all and let them know
it was caused by my tears
let me die.

I gladly would of given up the ghost that day if I had known how.
Dying is for such as myself, all reason to live had left me stranded on an island called shame.
Ten years later when Laura was in her twenties, she was driving home from a party during a storm, she lost control of her vehicle and wrapped the car around a tree, the same tree I years earlier had hid behind and watched her kiss John beekman.

She was in a coma for a few weeks but she did not pull through.
I was the only one from school who was at her funeral, and when I looked inside the coffin to say my last goodbye, I was surprised to see how beautiful she still was, the undertaker had done such a great job at preserving her beauty and charisma.
I looked at that lifeless body of hers with tears in my eyes, and as was customary at these occasions, I leaned to and placed a gentle kiss upon those sweet lips of hers.
I wrote another poem for her that day, but not my last by far.

The day you died my Laura
My heart followed you
to the last place of darkness
in search of your soul
Grey clouds gather listless
and rain upon my mind
will I ever see you Laura
once more.
The day you died my laura
my spirit rent in two
half with the living
the rest it followed you
Grey clouds linger
and I am lost within its storm
will I ever be the same
now you are gone?

If there was ever such a thing as an Angel she was surely one of them, her radiance glowed with a haunting ambiance.
I cried for three days non stop without eating, I prayed without ceasing for four, And placed wishes upon wishes upon wishes.
I drifted into the most uncomfortable sleep I have ever known.
When I began to dream and a presence was felt and voices heard, like a calling from a porch at tea time.
"This must not be uttered" This must not be uttered"
strange words, unusual what hunger and stress combined with lack of sleep can do.
I awoke to the sound of my Alarm clock buzzing, and the familiar voice of my mother down stairs calling me for breakfast.
Funny thing is I no longer live with my mother, I looked in the mirror and was taken back by shock, I was young!
I was a kid again.
something strange had happened to me and I was back at school.
I didn't understand it but if this was my chance to relive moments of seeing Laura again, even if she was with someone else, I didn't care, I just wanted to see her happy and alive.
I will spend the next ten years watching her every move.
At school I saw her at math, and again at English, I got up the nerve to speak to her, "Laura! I like what you have done to your hair" oh why did I say such a stupid thing?
"Why thank you, Its nice of you to say so, Your Willy arn`t you?"
"Yeah! thats me! In the flesh, lots of it!"
"Don't make fun of yourself, you deserve more than that!"
"I do?"
She beamed the biggest smile my way and her pearly white teeth were perfect, I cant remember paying attention to her words, or what she was saying, all I know is she was talking, and it was to me.
We got on so well, and she invited me to her home, next day I would invite her to mine, My mum and her mum became friends.

Then as I was saying goodnight on her porch under the moonlight, it happened, she leaned over to whisper to me, "So are you not going to kiss me?"
I didn't know how, but I was sure going to give it a try.
That kiss lasted forty seconds, I could see a shadow behind the big old tree, I knew who it was, It was John beekman, I bet he was shocked to see me Fat Willy kissing Laura penkiman for over forty seconds.
I love reliving the past when the past is changed.
I knew we only had ten years together, I knew some things could never be uttered. I could never tell or even hint at what was to happen, I know it is something I can never prepare for, but I know its going to happen.
It was stressful and as the time neared the tension was beginning to show, I was becoming frustrated and angry because I didn't want to lose her, but I knew I had been given this chance and it can only be real as long as I don't mention how it will be.
She knew something was wrong, The way I was acting, My whole demeanor was of sadness, and she couldn't understand it.
She thought it was her that was making me sad,That perhaps she was doing something wrong, I wish I could of told her.
I wish I could of held her and stopped her going out that year, to keep her safe, wrap her up in cotton wool, and keep her alive.
She was asking me to explain my feelings but I couldn't tell her, "You wouldn't understand laura, you don't know what I'm going through right now."
"Then try me," she would reply! in frustrated tones.
I walked away.
She needed someone to talk to but I was caught up in my own little world to notice, of course, when women want to talk they always find someone, and john beekman came back upon the scene.
She came home about fivish that day, two hours late, and it was John beekman who dropped her of in his car, he got out to open the passenger door, and then he took her arm, he hugged her, and then he kissed her.
I felt so betrayed, I ran out and punched him on his nose, there was blood everywhere, Laura went mad, and started screaming at me, she seamed more interested in him,I ran in the house, Not knowing what to do I pulled the mattress of the bed and ran out with it, "Look I'm taking this and I'm going to sleep outside tonight."

I must of looked so foolish as she was tending Johns broken nose and I was running away with a double king size mattress under my arm.
I had lost everything, It had all gone wrong, And I had lost her to John again, This was her last days or hours and she was going to spend them with him.
I stayed at my mothers that night and cried the rest of the day, till one of my old school chums came around and told me that she was out at the school reunion with John, and she was Dancing with him.
I had forgot all about the reunion, she was supposed to be there with me, I grabbed the Big axe from under the sink and shouted, That's it!"

My old school chum ran after me shouting, "put the axe down its not worth it, leave the Axe, you will go to prison if you kill him, please stop!"
I never stopped for anyone once my mind was made up. 
I ran off down the road with my Big Axe, angry as anything, mad as hell fire.
After all the action I went home, and waited for the police to come.

It was almost twelve midnight when they knocked on the door of my home, "Sir! Willy, can you come with me please!'
I followed them to their car, and there I saw Laura a little worse for wear, few bruises,some abrasions cuts and grazes.
"Sir its a miracle your wife is alive, She lost control of her vehicle in the storm, and went off the road, she would of been smashed into the big old tree on seventh if some vandal hadn't chopped it right down, she came flying out of the broken windshield and landed on a king size double mattress that some one had carelessly dumped there. 
If it wasn't for those two strange twists of fate, I would be telling you a different story right now."
I thanked the police man for bringing her home,And I made her a nice hot cup of coco.
I hugged her all night, in the spare bed of course, ours had no mattress on it. 
I did not utter what cannot be uttered, yet once again, I changed things and I will keep on changing them because I love Laura and she is my dream come true.
Have you ever wondered, what dreams are made of?